I'm so sorry I've had a few posts that haven't been all positive. I really do try, I promise. We are just hitting a rough patch right now and it's taking it's toll on me. For 2 days straight I have been in tears and I feel like a failure of a wife and mother. I feel like writing it all down and getting it off my chest, but I hate anyone to think of me as a "debbie-downer". Just know that I know life is good, we have a good life, we just have trials that we are facing right now that stress me out.
I went to the dr yesterday and found out i'm already dilating and effacing. Yes i'm 27 weeks pregnant and dilating. My placenta is also starting to tear away again, and the dr is worried it's just going to keep tearing the bigger the baby gets. I'm still only on the fence of preeclampsia, so that's good that i'm not over the fence on that yet. I was told however that I am at a high risk of fetal death...or having a stillborn. I get to go in to the dr all.the.time now to be monitored. The risk of a fetal death in between 2 non stress tests a week is slim. So that's what I get. I'm glad that I like my Dr or else I would probably get really tired of him really quick.
So that all happened yesterday. I was in tears all night. I feel like a horrible mom that can't carry a baby without any problems (just me venting). Josh was so sweet last night and was just beyond kind and snuggled me all night long. I just love that man. He never ceases to amaze me.
He was also able to give me a priesthood blessing....let me just say how grateful I am for the priesthood in our home. There have been so many times I would be scared to death or unsure of the future if it weren't for sweet priesthood blessings from my husband. I'm sorry, I just can't help but express my gratitude for the priesthood in my life.
Then today we took Maddox into the dr. He had an ear infection that he was on antibiotics for and we were supposed to take him into the Dr to see if it had cleared up. Well it hadn't cleared up and his ears aren't draining. So he gets to have tubes put in his ears. We are going in next week to meet with the ear, nose and throat doctor. So that's another thing on my plate right now. I just really want to not have all of this stress at the same time. Oh, and lets not forget i'm still going to school. Did I mention that?
I just feel like a failure of a mother and wife. I feel like I can't keep my poor kid from getting sick. Josh has been taking care of him all day because i'm still feeling stressed about the new baby, so I feel like I'm not even doing a good job at taking care of my children, and I'm not being a good wife for Josh. I feel like just another baby in the family and poor Josh is stuck taking care of me and 2 other kids.
All in all....i'm ready to catch a break :)
I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It's every moms worst fear to go into labor early or possibility of losing your baby :( One positive thing to remember is how great technology is now! Just remember you are in good hands with your doc and he will carry you as far as he can and then there is amazing things to do if he were to be born early to help him grow and thrive! But one thing you said I don't agree with is how you are a failure at being a mom (and wife) because you can't carry a "healthy" baby but you know that isn't true. Every pregnancy has some kind of complication. I know this pregnancy is hard but just remember your body didn't have time to recover (I'm not saying anything negative about this so you know) and that could be partly why this pregnancy isn't running smoothly. Don't blame yourself for things you can't control. Sounds like you have an amazing husband who takes care of his family and you should never regret that or feel bad about it! It's what they do! Just like it's our duty to run the household, raise the kids, make dinner, take care of EVERYBODY when they are sick, etc. We all play our parts in a family. Maybe you should consider waiting for school? I'm sure that added stress will be hard on you. Sorry this is a novel but I just want you to know that you shouldn't blame yourself for any problems with any of your pregnancies. And I can understand how scared you are right now and if you ever need anything let me know! Even if it's just to talk!
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